I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
ttyl tear gas
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
