You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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