he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
