you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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