there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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