In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize