So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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