im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
