I like my sex mixed with concussions.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
