I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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