May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
