So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
