So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
