you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
