I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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