Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
