So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
P.S. I can't hear my feet
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
