i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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