Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
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