Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize