the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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