I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
