i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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