he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i love accidental penises.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
