I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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