woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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