I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
