It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
