I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
