A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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