Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
