We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I am spending my child support on dildos
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
