9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
