Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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