i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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