how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
