a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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