i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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