Got a toothbrush?
I can text with my tongue
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize