I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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