I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
