the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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