no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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