Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's never too late to be topless.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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