i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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