So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
