nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
