i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
