there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
