This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
