Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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