Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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