new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
