Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
