you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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