Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
