i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
