You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
