Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I enjoy the company of your penis
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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