I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
